hetalia_kink

I want to see the Middle East have a family picnic. I know this is asking for a lot from you, anons, considering that the vast majority of the Middle East do not have nation-tans, but I believe in you! Make a terrible time be had by all!

B: Turkey gets fed up with his crazy family and tries to crash the EU picnic in the next gazebo.

Turkey wondered if he could get away with riding in on a motorcycle, declerating just enough to drop off his basket without starting a foodbomb panic, and then zooming away at speed.

Cyprus rolled his eyes.

"No, Dad. Saudi Arabia is in one of his high and lordly moods again, and he insisted. Let's just get it overwith already."

Turkey manifestly did not wimper. He picked up his contribution to the meal and headed apprehensively toward the picnic ground.

As the approached gingerly, Saudi Arabia was indeed in one of his (frequent) uber-bossy periods, swanning about in the sparse grass and unhelpfully directing Yemen and Oman as they set up a small canopy for shade. Yemen waved at Turkey amiably, letting his pole slip and bonk Oman on the head, inciting Saudi's spitting, frothing rage.

Turkey winced. Poor kid was the only republic on the peninsula. Turkey quickly shimmied away from the Tantrum Zone and began to unpack his tupperware bowls of hummus and olives, while Cyprus wandered over to a bush and started poking it.

Qatar and Bahrain bounded up hand in hand, cooing about the plans for their upcoming friendship bridge, while Kuwait trailed after them, earrings jangling loudly under her veil and the rings on her fingers flashing as she texted someone furiously on her iphone.

She stopped when she caught sight of Saudi still berating Yemen and pursed her lips, secreting the iphone away in a flurry of fabric.

She folded her arms and glared.

She tapped her foot.

She coughed, very loudly.

Saudi Arabia rounded on her.

"What is it, dearest sister?" She wavered for a moment, imperious as a peacock settling his feathers.

"Dearest brother, I would never presume to interrupt you. However, I would be most humbly gratified if you would answer my messages," she told him sternly. Saudi Arabia scowled at her.

"It is a phone," he objected. "It is for calling, not whatever new-fangled thing you want me to do with it now." Kuwait set her lips in a severe pout, whirled around, and flounced away. She spied Iran approaching and immediately accosted him.

"Please tell me you brought caviar."

Iran grinned rogueishly at her.

"I did indeed."

"Thanks be to Allah. I need something rich."

Iran propped down on the edge of the blanket above which the canopy looked closest to stable, and began unpacking small sealed cups of the eggs.

The United Arab Emirates swaggered over to them, his face an indecipherable mix of Arab, South Asian, and Chinese, and started pulling processed food out of a plastic bag: twinkies and potato chips and cheese whiz, for goodness sake. Cyprus scuttled over and began experimenting with mixing cheese whiz and hummus.

Turkey wanted to tear his tongue out.

Come to think of it, somebody else there probably had something medieval enough to do that with concealed in a back pocket.

"I don't see why I have to carry everything," muttered a beleaguered-looking Lebanon, tottering as he supported three large, stacked baskets.

"Uh, because you're my bitch," Syria explained from somewhere in the region of Lebanon's elbow, as if it were obvious. Turkey strode forward, but stopped short when Syria waved a dagger at him.

"Stay away from the chicken and pita, you imperialist land-thieving pig," he ordered.

"I was just going to help you unpack!" Turkey protested.

"Uh-hun," Syria replied skeptically.

"I'm not an Empire anymore!" Turkey shouted.

"That's just what you Ottomans want us to think."

Turkey gave up. He dragged a rapt Cyprus away from Iran, who had been explaining the finer points of internet piracy over cinnabuns and crackers and feta, and sent the kid off to grab some of the loot Syria and Lebanon brought.

Across the clearing, he could hear Syria exclaim,

"Ha! I knew it! Sending your little vassal to pillage and fetch for you. Just what I would have expected from the rapacious Ottomans!"

Somehow or other, Cyprus turned up with the food anyway.

The Arabian nations finally managed to get the shade held up in a functional manner. Saudi reclined on the blanket and demanded olives. Kuwait took a dish from Bahrain and Qatar and unceremoniously handed it to him. Somewhat befuddled at the unexpected turn of events, he began offering them to her lips, rather than being served himself. Bahrain and Qatar giggled helplessly.

Iraq limped over to the bounty unfolding from Syria and Lebanon's baskets and plopped himself on the ground, wolfing down everything they handed him while holding his own in a vicious back-and-forth of glaring with Iran, which was only interrupted by the arrival Israel, with a semi-automatic rifle strapped to his back, and one arm each slung over the shoulders of Jordan and Egypt. He surveyed the entire scene, then removed his arms, grinning like a maniac.

"You guys grab some of that stuff, it smells great," Israel suggested, gesturing toward the place where Syria had twisted Lebanon's arm behind his back. "I'll grab some of this." He jerked his thumb towards the spread in front of Iran.

"I'd like some Feta and hummus on pita, please," he said, smirking. Iran's stone-face could have rivaled China's. He didn't react. The Emirates looked back and forth between them, then hastily left the spot and headed for a seat with a better vantage point of Bahrain and Qatar sucking each other's fingers like soft-core porn.

"You can't just ignore me,” he taunted in sing-song. “I’m right here. That would be rude.”

“Well I can’t see anything or hear anything, so I’ll just have to assume Emirates left because the smell got so bad all of a sudden.” Iran snapped. Egypt sighed in exasperation and Jordan shifted uncomfortably, but most of the nations chuckled. Israel scowled. He pulled a toothpick out of one of the olives and waved it back and forth in front of Iran’s face.

“You do realize I know how to kill a man with a toothpick,” Israel growled.

“Oh look,” Iran said flatly. “A floating toothpick.”

For a second, everyone held their breath. Then Israel grinned again.

“Well, if I’m not here you won’t notice me doing this!” He swiped a drumstick off Iran’s plate. “Yummy.”

“Hey!”

“Or this,” Israel continued, grabbing a plate of caviar and dancing out of reach.

“You ought to be annihilated, you filthy scum –” Iran shrieked, scrambling after him. Turkey grabbed his shoulder.

“Hey. Just. Calm down.” A few meters away, he could see Egypt doing the same to a bristling Israel. Relieved for the moment, Turkey turned his attention back to Iran. “No death threats or genocide denials at a family picnic, okay?”

“Oh, really?” asked an arch voice Turkey knew all too well. He spun around to see a pissed-looking Armenia, her arms folded across her chest, flanked by the baleful glowers of Georgia and Azerbaijan. “So, you’re admitting you –” Turkey turned and ran without waiting for her to finish, almost tripping and falling full on his face as he passed the sight of Israel kneeling in Egypt’s lap, furiously making out with him. Distracted, he collided directly with the main support pole for the open tent, bringing the entire structure collapsing down. Arms flailed, cloth billowed, and Turkey managed to grab Cyprus’s wrist, drag them both out of the carnage, and high-tail it out of there.

When they were well on their way home, and Turkey had popped a handful of advil for the lump in the middle of his forehead, he muttered,

“I bet your Daddy Greece never has to deal with this kind of shit at EU meetings.”

Cyprus nibbled on his lip, glancing rapidly from side to side.

“Well…”

Current plans for a Bahrain-Qatar friendship bridge? Trufax.

Kuwait, like many of the smaller Persian Gulf contries, is quite rich due to oil.

As to the internet piracy line, Iran is actually the world's fourth largest country of bloggers. Who knew? Also, famous for it's awesome caviar and anti-awesome refusal to recognize the state of Israel.

The United Arab Emirates brought the junk food because it is 88% urban. Furthermore, only about 20% of the people who live there are UAE nationals. The rest are from other Arab countries or Asia.

Even though Syria is about a tenth of Lebanon's geographical size, realtions between the two are tense due to Syria's propensity to meddle in Lebanese politics. Syrian troops recently left Lebanon, easing the strain somewhat.

Syria resents Turkey over a piece of territory they claim was illegally given to the Turks by the French while Syria was a French protectorate mandate, in addition to bitterness of years of conflict with the Ottomans.

Israel has been at peace with Egypt for three decades now, and Jordan is saner than the rest of the region. (Y hello there low bar)

The Turkish genocide of the Armenians is not funny. It was a horrible tragedy and crime which the government of Turkey still refuses to admit to.

If the flippancy of my treatment of anything in here offends you, that was not my intent, and I apologize.

Now get out of hetalia fandom before your offense-taking bits explode. XP

lmao, this was amazing! I love the factual bits you managed to sneak in under cover, plus all their characterizations were wonderful! Great job, anon <3

Great fill, anon! There should be more Middle East here indeed

Oh my GOD. You actually managed to make Middle East political relations funny. Also, massive props for Cyprus as Greece and Turkey's love/hate child getting dragged along to the batshit family reunion.

(This anon has suffered through similar family reunions herself, even though her parents are happily married.)

This was fantastic!
Loved Cyprus. Kid must have some issues with parents like that.

"I don't see why I have to carry everything," muttered a beleaguered-looking Lebanon, tottering as he supported three large, stacked baskets.

"Uh, because you're my bitch," Syria explained from somewhere in the region of Lebanon's elbow, as if it were obvious.

Turkey gave up. He dragged a rapt Cyprus away from Iran, who had been explaining the finer points of internet piracy over cinnabuns and crackers and feta, and sent the kid off to grab some of the loot Syria and Lebanon brought.

I... just cannot pick my favorite bits from this fic, there are so many, but the above ones made me laugh hard. ILU

This might be the funniest thing I've read in forever. Thank you so much for that. Kuwait texting reminds me of my sister. XD And I liked how the notes made a few things make more sense.

My favorite part? "Oh look. A floating toothpick." I have cousins who do that to the relatives they don't like. XD

Above all, though, you managed to make Middle Eastern politics funny. You deserve some kind of award for that.

Somehow, it was the Friendship Bridge that got to me. I've been hoping to see this one filled and oh anon, you have made me so happy with making it apt and kooky and funny and somehow so cute in all the dysfunctional family glory. Poor Turkey *snrk*

You know that with that ending, you HAVE to have a follow up with Cyprus at an EU meeting with Greece. (Take your kid to work day?)

DEFINITELY

[i]“No death threats or genocide denials at a family picnic, okay?”[/i]

I love you. So, so much.

It's just like Israel to bring a semiautomatic to a family picnic LOL.

You've also made Bahrain/Qatar my new OTP.

Kuwaiti anon here burst out laughing at this. Good job! (and yes, we like to show off our clothes and gadgets :|b)

OMG so hilarious! I love everything about this fill, from Turkey's exasperation to the Arab peninsula states being so rich and show-offy, Syria bullying Lebanon, Israel/Iran sniping - and will now forever think of Israel/Egypt/Jordan as the Bad Friends Trio of the Middle East! XD

Thanks for the notes after and HILARIOUS fic! Great work! I liked it!
But one thing strikes me as weird; Israel wouldn't be paired with anyone in the middle east
(they all hate Israel, even/especially the Egyptians).

I love you SO MUCH right now.

This is perfect. It´s the kind of fic that makes me wish there was MORE so I could keep reading it FOREVER. Plus, I <3 Israel. Great, great work. =)